Should Everyone Have a Prenup? Why Every Couple Needs the Money Conversation Before Marriage

I’m not going to make you wait too long. Short answer, YES.  

Slightly more nuanced answer: every married couple has one. As celebrity divorce lawyer James Sexton says, “Everyone has a prenup – either one created by you and your spouse or one created for you by the government” (which is subject to change).  

The common objection is that a prenuptial agreement is just planning for divorce. Fine. Then an estate plan is just planning for death. Marriage ends one of two ways: divorce or death, and responsible adults plan for both. The best time to write the financial rules of your marriage is when you still love each other enough to be generous, not when you are angry enough to let the government decide for you. 

While there are no comprehensive studies available (that I know of), some limited data suggest that having a prenup lowers your chances of getting divorced. Attorney James Sexton sure believes so. 

This makes sense to me, as one of the leading factors in marital dissatisfaction, conflict and divorce has to do with financial problems and financial disconnection. Disclosing and talking through all the facets of marriage before the ceremony is a vital way to ensure alignment.  

Avoiding the money conversation before marriage does not make the conflict go away. It just delays it until the stakes are higher. I have seen plenty of couples who never had the necessary financial compatibility conversations, only to discover years later that love did not magically create alignment. Most of the time, that is not a money problem. It is a conflict-avoidance problem. 

Divorce is one of the most destructive events in a financial plan. Rebuilding wealth after divorce is hard, and for many people, impossible to do at the same level. If two people cannot be financially honest before marriage, it is better to find that out before the wedding than after they have built a life, a family, and a balance sheet together. 

Personally, my wife and I did not get a prenup before we were married. We married a month after college at 22 years old, with no separate assets, so we didn’t see a reason. However, this also means we didn’t have all the money and life conversations that we should have had. Looking back on almost two decades together, there were many conversations that would have been better before marriage than in the middle of a disagreement. 

Before marriage, couples should be able to answer uncomfortable questions like: 

• Is this “our money,” or are we just roommates with rings — especially when one person earns more, gets a bonus, changes careers, goes back to school, stays home with kids, or wants a lifestyle the other cannot afford? 

• Are we combining accounts, keeping separate buckets, or pretending that “fair” will magically be obvious when retirement, travel, housing, and day-to-day spending decisions show up? 

• What are the rules for debt, budgeting, saving, investing risk, and deciding how much is “enough” before one person feels controlled and the other feels exposed? 

• How are we paying for kids, pets, weddings, holidays, birthdays, friends, relatives, and family members who ask for money — and who gets a vote when parents contribute? 

• What does financial success actually mean to each of us: freedom, security, experiences, status, generosity, legacy, or simply not fighting about money every month? 

• How often are we going to talk about this before silence turns into resentment, and what happens when one of us realizes we are not actually on the same page? 

That is the real point: a prenup conversation is not only about divorce; it is about financial intimacy and clarity. 

I consider myself a romantic. I remember the first time I saw my wife and I knew early in our relationship that I wanted to marry her. When we were engaged, if someone had tried to tell me that I needed to consider a prenuptial agreement, I would have immediately reacted that this was unnecessary and unromantic.  

But marriage is still the most legally significant contract I will ever sign. Looking back, I wish we had written our own financial rules instead of relying on default rules written by politicians we did not choose for our marriage. A prenup I would have wanted us to discuss might have said something like: 

What’s mine is fully yours, what’s yours is fully mine. Everything will be split evenly in marriage and divorce, regardless of the source. Inheritance or gifts that are intentionally co-mingled are “ours,” but only after they are combined. You can choose to keep inheritance and gifts separately in whole or in part.  

That is the kind of prenup I wish we had written—not because I expected our marriage to fail, but because I would rather define our financial promises with my wife than inherit default rules from the state. To me, that is not unromantic. It is one of the clearest ways to say: we are building this life together, intentionally, with our eyes open. My wife and I have walked through these types of questions, but most were not addressed in advance.  

The point is not to make couples pessimistic about marriage; it is to help them become more honest and aligned before money turns into conflict. One of my favorite parts of my job is helping couples navigate these types of conversations as an unbiased third party. Whether through a limited-scope project or for our ongoing clients, helping couples get and stay on the same page is extremely rewarding to me. If you’d like to schedule time to help through these conversations, feel free to book time with me.